Adoption Rollercoaster and FAQ

Adopting is so much harder than a pregnancy! The emotional ups and downs are draining. The committee meeting for Janiya and Tommie was on the 17th, and the 15, yes, 15 people who were making the decision, said we would be an incredible family for these kids. But then they told us they wanted to just wait for another 4-6 months, leaving the kids in their foster homes and see if they are "more ready" to be adopted. Apparently, all 15 couldn't agree in 2 hours. (Can 15 people agree on ANYTHING in 2 hours??? I've been in groups that spent that long debating the design for a t-shirt.)

I asked what they planned to do and they had no plan, other than to wait. I pointed out (nicely) that 4-6 months is FOREVER to a 5 and 7 year old. They then said that the decision had been made, and if we don't have a different placement in 4-6 months, we will be in a "priority" position to adopt these kids. I was SO frustrated!!!!! It really seems like NO ONE cares about these kids at all. I was even told, "These kids have been waiting for a family for so long, another few months won't make a difference." and "These kids don't know what adoption is or that there is a family that wants them, so it doesn't matter." Hello???!!!???

So, after the emotional crash of what was supposed to be a pretty sure thing (we were the ONLY family they were considering), I started focusing on our next committee meeting for Cheyann which is this coming Friday. Preparing for committee is draining. The worker representing us has a copy of our homestudy, but then I spent 3 hours on the phone answering questions about our family and how we would meet the needs of this special little girl and everything else you can imagine. You feel like you have to have the answers for everything. Three hours is a LONG time to be grilled on a phone call. I also made her a photo book of our family for if we are chosen, so she would have something to use to get to know us a little. In this case, there are 3 families selected by the caseworker. Each family is represented by a social worker and the case worker represents the child. All are presented to a committee of 3 people, who have never met any of the families, or the child, and they choose the family (in a 3 hour meeting). Kind of crazy, I know, but at least it is 3 people, not 15, and they have to leave the meeting with a chosen family. Then the selected family will get a lot more info on her and have 7 days to decide whether to proceed or not. Then the family goes and spends a week with her in Oregon, they go home, and the caseworker brings her to her new home 1-3 days later. So if it happens, it could go fast.

Then today, we were contacted by Janiya and Tommie's worker who said "they" want to have a conference call with us on Monday. I don't even know for sure who "they" entails. So maybe something will come of that. I really wish I had a crystal ball!!!! So, in the next week, one of four things will happen.
1. We could be told we get Cheyann= Happy
2. We could be told we get Janiya and Tommie= Happy
3. We could be told we get both and have major decisions to make= Happy
4. We could be told we get none of them= Major emotional crash

So 3 out of 4, I can be hopeful right???? The crashes are hard, kind of like I would imagine an early miscarriage. You have spent time planning and dreaming and figuring how this child would fit into your family--if selected, they could be in your home in less than a month, or it could take 3-4 months. There is a lot of unknown. You also know a little about their personality, but you've never actually met them, usually. Janiya and Tommie's was also hard because we'd been working to get to that point for so long. We first inquired on them back in September and were told we were a potential match in December. Then after getting lots more information, we had to wait 6 weeks for the match meeting. We'd also been pretty confident because we were the only family. I hadn't even envisioned they would just want to keep them in foster care forever (or 6 months, which feels like the same thing right now)!

The main thing we've learned so far is that nothing about the process is "normal." Every state is different, sometimes every county. And even when there are "standard procedures" that doesn't mean they will be followed. Pregnancy is much easier!

We've been asked several adoption related questions lately, so I figured I would answer them here instead of in the comments. If anyone is interested in really doing this yourselves, I would be happy to help you figure out how to get started. I still believe it will all be worth it in the end!

Where do you find the children?
Adoption photolisting sites like www.adoptuskids.com or http://photolisting.adoption.com/ Most states or counties have heart gallery's with pictures and bios of waiting children. Many are often featured as "Wednesday's child" on TV or in the newspaper

Who are the kids?
Kids whose parental rights have been terminated for one reason or another. Abuse, neglect, or drugs are the most common reasons. Many of the kids are developmentally behind because they missed out on the attention and love healthy families take for granted. Most of them are older than 3 or 4 and most have special needs of some kind (emotional, developmental, mental, or physical.) Sibling groups are generally harder to place, as are older kids.

How much does it cost?
Much less than international!!! It really depends on your agency. Our homestudy was $800, the networking fee for them to talk to other agencies was $750 (most states won't talk to us directly), and then there were the charges for physicals, background checks, classes, etc. We will also pay to go meet the child and spend a week or more wherever they live now. There will also be finalization costs, but most of those are usually paid by the state placing the child. So, in the end, our financial cost will be $3000- 5000. The emotional cost on the other hand. . . . . .